Catching up Mentally

Okay, so I had the excuse of having my class take up way too much of my time. Well, my class is over and I'm having a really hard time getting back into the groove of going to the gym. This week it was just way too easy to go home and chill out because I've been on the run for so long.

I mean, seriously, I spent the entire drive home on Tuesday with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other about going to the 6:15 cycling class. I knew I needed to go. I wanted to go. I just couldn't make myself go. I got home and changed into my comfy clothes and did housework instead.

So, this morning as I'm getting ready to run out the door I saw the Experience Life magazine sitting on the coffee table where I'd thrown it when it came in the mail. For some reason, I picked it up and brought it to work with me. I read it today at lunch. Talk about good timing!

At first I tried to find the article on Inertia that is featured on the cover. As I was flipping I stopped on the page Friendly Frames where it talks about how and why you can sabotage yourself. Right there, number 1 was how losing weight can invite outside attention and comment. It made total sense to me.

"Visible changes in body shape and size often invite outside attention and
comment. This can leave you feeling more "on stage" and inspected than you find
comfortable. You may have mixed feelings about being more attractive, and
particularly about attracting romantic attention."

I had a total freak out at an SCA event back in November. I was hanging out, doing my normal thing but there was a subtle shift in the way guys were responding to me. I got hit on by a guy young enough to be my son! Instead of it being playful flirting, it got serious really fast. I had to keep leaving to different parts of the party because it stopped being playful and the guys were trying to get me to go off with them. I finally ran off to a quiet campfire and, out of the blue, it happened again with someone I've never even flirted with before. I ran off to my bed...alone! Now, I'm not a prude and in the past I would never have had a problem with hooking up with any one of these guys for the night. I don't know why I freaked out.

Then, at Gulf Wars, the same thing happened. I had guys hitting on me left and right. A little playful flirting went a long way! Luckily, I found someone to keep me company because otherwise I might have spent a large part of the war hiding by my campfire.

Everywhere I went, I heard "Wow! You look great!" At work even...Wow, Lisa, you've lost a lot of weight since you started here. At first it was flattering and I kind of liked it but now it just makes me uncomfortable. When I look in the mirror, I still the 340lb Lisa, not the 230lb Lisa. Then I wonder what will it be like if I ever get down to my "ideal" weight. Would I even recognize myself?

I never realized how invisible I really was until now I'm suddenly in a spotlight, or at least that is how it feels.

As I read the rest of the items, I realized that I still have a long way to go emotionally. That is going to have to be the next phase. Getting my head on board with the body. Sigghhhh...

The Economy, Life, and Everything

So, I'm beginning to get worried about my job. The bad economy is beginning to take its toll on my company. Sales haven't been good and it looks like we are going to lose a big deal . If this deal doesn't go through, we will be looking at more staffing cuts.

I'm trying to get motivated but it is really hard. I have folks stepping on my toes left and right. I'm finding it hard to stay motivated and I keep getting distracted. I need to recommit to my job but I just want to put my head in the sand and hide.

I'm really having to resist going on a shopping spree. Retail therapy is what I need. But I don't really need anything. I have a ton of home repair projects, but not the time to do them.

I'm eating too much and not working out enough. I need to get back on track.

Obsessions

I tend to get temporarily obsessed with thoughts, ideas, or topics. Sometimes, it is something I want to do like a new craft or hobby. I will research the hell out of it for weeks then forget about it for months. Sometimes, it is something that is going on with me and I have to research all the possibilities...like my thyroid issues. I wonder if anyone else does this.

Today, I was looking up period ways to paint pavilions. I found stencils and several good websites with pictures of period pavilions. I'm excited about the idea of painting a design on my pavilion. There are several different ideas that I like but I need to pick one and go with it. That is the hard part. I can't make up my mind. I haven't found one design style that makes me go "That's the one!"

Good thing I can't do anything about it until after I get my pavilion in about 6 weeks.